It’s not about action, reaction, what you feel, what I feel.
It’s about what you don’t feel.
We take the magnitude of our emotions and plunge into a random ocean without even wondering if we can swim.
It takes courage, one would say.
But it takes more courage to live fearlessly, than to live in doubt, or cuddling under the assumptions blanket. Punishing yourself and unconsciously hurting others is the easy way out.
Decide whether you want to live your dreams or sacrifice yourself for others’ dreams and never mistake the fear of loving the love that suits your heart with fear of loving.
Duality is not within, it is a mere multiplication of our projections. We choose another, not because it’s easier to give up than to fight, but simply because gut and self protection is showing you the easy and fastest way to preserve your evolution.
Don’t look for finding the courage at the right time, and instead be courageous all the time.
Courage is you when you let the heart do “all the talking” while your mind simply monitors the heartbeats.
I think it was summer when I decided I should run away and find the sea, learn how to play with the waves and pose a senile smile for the warmest star that hangs on the other joyful blue.
I struggled for a couple of years in fear, excuses, fake promises to myself and others until one day…one spring like summer day I quit my corporatist job (it was as if I fully undressed some heavy clothes and everything around seemed colorful, not grey, and everyone looked amazing, not ordinary, and the heart seemed a guardian of emotions and not a freakin’ organ that makes redundant sounds), and bought 2 suitcases, just in case.
After 6 months, the redundant sounds were bursting through my ears, going up on some unseen stairs…and up and up…”your flight to Aberdeen will depart at gate 24″ was what stopped the rush. I smiled when realising I finally did it.
Dear freedom, I am one step closer to my sea.
Reason is the black sheep of our brain.
It tricks emotions with its laziness, pretends nothing much is happening, letting the heart dj with its up and down beats.
And in that particular moment when eyes stare at the clouds or stars, clarity wipes every dream, something doggy seems to start moving, fog approaches, clouds appear, smiles fade, hands let go.
Half empty, half full simply because I left so many halves behind, I have no quarters to give any more.
We bump into people who teach us things, we are hit by people who learn something from us and we let go of people who are so beautifully different from us that we turn into broken glass and crave for water since we first touched the hard wooden floor.
I miss his kindness when I am not treated kindly, I miss his way of having fun when my soul is caged in an useless fortress, I miss his honesty when I am being lied to, I miss him wanting me, when it’s been too long since I was last wanted, I miss his sacrifice when I am treated less than magic, I miss the sea when I listen to songs he would dance on as if nobody was looking…and mostly…I miss me, when I treat myself with less freedom than the sun’s.
And then I miss only him every day, but weirdly enough, he’s the only one to whom I cannot say it any more and he took the better half.
Empty halls are filled with light if we only touch the curtains…gently…and push them to the middle of nowhere. There are no feelings greater then the ones felt with eyes closed. There is no awarness unless there’s a half missing.
Today I am letting go my last half and you’re not here to help me pack my bags, but it’s ok I am a woman now and I should be able to wipe the maybe’s and go towards the magic, I have no cloth though and this time it’s only me.
And I…well…I don’t ask for much. I just want you to leave absolutely everything behind: yourself, your memories, your habits and your sorrows and hold my soul’s hand so tight that my lungs start to wander my heart with their breath. And run away with me wherever I might want to run and dance with me in a summer’s night rain so we can both learn how to grow wings and fly.
Because you, my dear lover, belong to the melancholy of my eyes and you are mere human without my nose resting on your neck, inhaling all your past and exhaling dreams of now, that belong to you and I alone.
And you! Yes, you, handsome, are now one of them all who occasionally give the corners of my lips a push upwards as my eyes giggle at the sight of your sporadic written thoughts.
You are all drops of summer or autumn rain in my sea, so different, yet in the same blue, liquid state. Poor fools… I am not going to swim in my sea without the sun, you see.
So mingle lovers, and turn your different similarities into my bluest sea.
That moment when a few years of relationship turns into +Add friend. Ridiculously contemporary and so humanly complicated. And it’s not just a few years, it’s 5 and 1 month and 29 days…and we stopped. I unconsciously placed a dot at the end of what seemed to have no end.
I woke up on Heathrow airport when my ears bled as the flight to Aberdeen was anounced and sounded like an echo in my heart. I realised I will be far away from that day onwards…as my heart pounded, fell on the floor of my thoughts and my brain victoriously waved the white flag at the top of my newly built wall.
That most beautiful day at the very begining when, for me, you couldn’t lie. That day when I smiled at the 11 red roses wrapped in newspaper with a corn made angel hanging on to them. That burning summer day when you waited for me at the bus station in a white T-Shirt and we shared a sesame pretzel and we ate hummus with tomatoes and lebanesse bread.
After 435 days, my white flag turned yellow and something inside me that’s supposed to beat chooses to bleed instead. But back then I survived the crash of my thoughts that now knock at my heart’s door in a desperate cry for help. Stupidly enough, not even the echo can reach the door I locked so viciously a while back.